Expat Life Is Full Of Goodbyes

The city that we are lucky enough to temporarily call home is a bountiful one that is full of momentum and change. And as expats, we must learn to manage and adapt to the changes that happen around us. One of the hardest changes that impact’s our lives is the feeling that we are perpetually saying goodbye.

Leaving our friends and family back home is tough but it doesn’t end there. The average stay for an expat family in the UAE is 8 years. (www.dec.org.ae). So, once you have said farewell to the family and made the move, you will still have to experience the difficulties that come with the seemingly frequent departure of friends and loved ones from Dubai.

Saying goodbye is hard enough as an adult and for children it can be a confusing and lonely time. So what can we do to help our little ones understand and cope with their feelings when they need to say goodbye to their family or when their friends move on?

According to Dr Susan Linn, the founding director of ‘Campaign for a Commercial free Childhood, helping our children to cope with change is all about laying a solid foundation in which they can confidently express their feelings. Being listened to and empathised with is key.

“Helping children successfully manage the separations that inevitably occur is a good way to help them develop lifelong strategies for managing loss. Let your child know that you hear what she/he is saying. Feeling unheard compounds a child’s sense of isolation.” (Dr Susan Linn).

Read More: Helping Your Kids Transition Through Summer 

Bright Horizons is an international provider of early education that focuses on nurturing each child’s unique potential. They believe that saying goodbye is a lifelong process that does not necessary have to be negative.

“Children may react to change with excitement and enthusiasm, or crying, sulking and even using aggression. Talk to your child about the positive things. Too much talk about how hard it is to say goodbye can sometimes make our children more upset. While we should never ignore our children’s feelings, it’s also important to be encouraging.” (Bright Horizons)

According to Bright Horizons there are activities that you could do with your child that will help them to compartmentalise and process their emotions in a positive way.

Such as, creating a classroom scrapbook, writing a friendship note to departing friends and using art as therapy by painting, storytelling and drawing.

Frequently having to say goodbye is one of the more difficult ramifications of being an expat. But a few simple techniques can help you and your child develop coping strategies that will have lifelong benefits.

The post Helping Kids Cope with Goodbyes appeared first on Sassy Mama.

I suspect I’m not alone; data shows that kids between the ages of 2-9 years average 8 disputes an hour, each going for roughly 45 seconds. That equates to about 10% of the time together fighting! More if you factor in extra siblings.  Most parents feel at a complete loss as to how to deal with it too.

Should you intervene? If so, what should you do? Turns out, just as with my Fostering Grit in Kids article, there is lots of research on the matter… below I outline some of the key takeaways for us mamas to help us stay sane and manage the constant battles!

Firstly, is sibling conflict so bad?

Yes and No! Siblings play a critical role in children’s development of interpersonal skills (e.g. empathy), their emotional regulation, behaviour, and mental and physical health. It follows that children who have experienced high levels of negative sibling conflict show poor mental and physical health outcomes. We don’t want to eliminate or avoid sibling conflict altogether. Constructive conflict is important as can help our kids develop effective conflict management skills, help them tolerate negative feelings (e.g. being okay with feeling sad or angry), and build social problem-solving skills.

Should we intervene?

Yes! Parents intervening in a way which helps the child navigate the conflict more constructively helps reduce sibling fighting and leads to warmer and more cohesive sibling relationships. It also leads to better outcomes for each child in terms of how they feel about themselves, better physical health, and better individual social and emotional development. This is particularly the case when kids are little and don’t have the emotional or social skills to navigate sibling battles.

Although the old adage is to “leave them to sort it out for themselves”, research shows that ignoring the fighting, or endorsing some form of conflict (e.g. encouraging them to ‘hit back’), leads to more fighting, a worse sibling relationship, and more negative health outcomes for our kids (both physical and mental health). This is also true for intervening in a way which shuts down the conflict (e.g. “cut it out”) or punishing them for having conflict.

How can we improve sibling relationships?

Every day strategies

1. Treat each child equally: if kids suspect favouritism, they’ll often try and square things up themselves! Treating your kids fairly won’t eliminate conflict, but playing favourites will increase it so it is worth keeping in mind.
2. Watch how you fight: research shows that children fight like their parents! We all hate to argue in front of our kids, but if you do, try and do it in a way that you don’t mind being copied (easy to say, I know!).
3. Introduce systems that prevent regular fights: if there are regular battles that take place in your household, look for ways to fairly split the sought-after thing. For example, could you assign odd and even days for who gets to ride in the front seat, push the lift button, choose the music… the list is endless!
4. Prioritise some family fun time: improving sibling relationships isn’t just about removing conflict. Focus on trying to build a more positive bond and create happy shared memories by getting them to have fun together.

“In the moment” strategies

Rather than seeing sibling fights as something just to endure, try and view them as an opportunity to help your kids build good conflict management skills, and their social and emotional skills (e.g. empathy) more broadly. It is unrealistic to think we will respond in a constructive way to every sibling dispute. But, keep these principles in mind, mama, and when you do have the time, energy, and composure, try to intervene in sibling conflict in a way that:

1. Acknowledges and shows empathy for the feelings of each child: e.g. “yes, it can be really annoying when Jack takes your toy / knocks down your tower / etc”
2. Encourages each child to see the perspective of the other: e.g. “Jill, I think Jack took your toy because it’s the new toy and he wants to play with it too. Can you understand him wanting to play with it?” and “Jack, Jill is upset because she was playing with the toy and you snatched it. You would probably get upset if that happened to you too, wouldn’t you?”
3. Provides each child with an alternative way to respond in future: Children need help working out appropriate ways to be assertive and defend themselves. e.g. “Jack, next time you want to play with something that Jill has, perhaps you could ask Jill…”
4. Shows no tolerance for violent behaviour: while it is important to use sibling disputes to teach positive social behaviours, it is also important that you protect both children and make it clear that physical aggression is not okay.
5. Encourages collaborative problem solving: help them to come up with a fair solution together. E.g. “given you both want to play with this toy, what should we do?” If they struggle to come up with a solution you could suggest something and ask for their thoughts. e.g. “what if you each had a turn with the toy?” Children often don’t want to adopt a fair solution (i.e. they want the toy all to themselves!), so you may need to enforce a fair solution.

Note! The concept of ‘sharing’ is abstract and difficult for small children to understand. At young ages, it is better to stick with ‘turn taking’ as it is more concrete and clear-cut.

While these steps above may sound like a lengthy and exhausting process, it only need take 2-3 minutes. We’re never going to eliminate sibling conflict, nor do we want to. However, using some of these tips could help reduce the level of conflict overall, develop a warmer sibling relationship and positive well-functioning relationships across your kids’ lives.

The post Sibling Rivalry: Tips to Stop the Fighting! appeared first on Sassy Mama.

This is my second Ramadan in Dubai. Last year, I found ordering my flat white behind a black curtain and not being able to eat or drink in public a little overwhelming but I definitely appreciated the Ramadan principle of giving something back. This year I’m totally jumping on board. After all, aren’t the values of generosity and respect to the less fortunate* that underpin Ramadan exactly what we’re trying to teach our little ones – often with limited success (or is that just me, mamas!)?

As with everything it’s always better to lead by example and that’s where Ramadan’s really got my back – providing heaps of small ways to make a difference to the lives of others and improve our own well-being at the same time:

• You had me at hello – even just passing the day and wishing someone a ‘Ramadan Kareem’ or ‘Ramadan Mubarak’ (a blessed Ramadan) is a good way to instill decent manners in the kiddos. Until I started doing this, I’d forgotten how good basic human contact makes you feel – plus my daughter loved showing off her Arabic!
• Keeping your cool – Ramadan Sharing Fridges started in 2016 and (ironically) spread like wildfire. The fridges are open for anyone to leave fruit, water or other small packages of food for tired workers to enjoy when it’s time to break their fast. Last year my little one loved putting together a package of flatbread, water and fruit to deliver to our local fridge and we even ended up hanging around to see people enjoy what we’d left. This year we’re looking into getting a fridge of our own! For more information check out here.
• Making a bigger difference – we’ve decided to take giving one step further and make a charitable donation in the name of Ramadan. To get my mini-me more involved, we let her choose the charity. She picked K9friends, which turned out to be a great choice as for just 370 AED we were able to actually sponsor a dog, covering its food and board for a whole year. Our daughter even got a photo of the pooch she picked. How’s that for a shaggy dog story? Get your own K9friend here.

* In our household, this is definitely me! As a side note, I tried to parachute in on Ramadan for more mama respect and increased tidiness at home and failed miserably. Oh well, you can’t win them all…

The post Lead By Example & Give Back This Ramadan appeared first on Sassy Mama.

Any parent understands that one of the most trying times in the house is homework time. Usually marked by sulking, excuses and all manner of tantrum throwing because clearly, most kids don’t appreciate the whole idea of studying outside of school. But if you’re proactive and take a few steps to help impose healthy homework habits at home, you’ll be able to wave bye-bye to (some of) those battles, mamas – hooray!

Proper measures should be taken to ensure your little ones enjoy their study time and that they don’t think of it as another moment to be detached from the good things happening in your house. We’ll look at six easy measures to take in order to help your kids handle their homework time efficiently.

Read More: Breakfast For Champions, Getting The School Day Started Right 

The post 6 Tips For Helping Kids With Homework and Study Habits appeared first on Sassy Mama.

I will not give you my excuses; I will call them reasons.

Firstly, we moved countries twice – within five months. Have you ever moved house? Multiply that painful experience by a gazillion for a small indication of what I went through in that short period of time.

Then, I single-parented three kids. My husband took a job overseas and I stayed alone with the kids for four months. This experience threw out all remnants of what sanity I retained from the move.

Next, I over-subscribed to parenting blogs. I longingly admired articles titled “Why iPads are ruining your children”, and “How to get your kids to eat zucchini muffins”. I began to fret over The Dirty Dozen and bio-dynamic products, and I would ask: “Really – just how organic is this organic orange juice?”

I banned iPads in the house, I forced them to have “outdoor” play, I demanded that they shower, and I moaned all the time. Then, ironically, I complained about their moaning.

I became regimented and rigidly set on giving the kids the best childhood but, really, I was ruining it.

Sometimes, on really bad days, I could step outside of my body and witness the dismal failure of my parenting. Usually, however, I was too obsessed with wondering whether or not they’d had enough greens, enough fresh air, and knew the difference between “there”, “their” and “they’re”.

I became fixated on ‘the good old days’ and constantly yearned for the past – so much so, that I became the parent that starts every story with “When I was your age…”. Ridiculous, when you consider that I am only 32 years old and my eldest is nearly a teen.

I kept looking for opportunities to run away, leave the kids with grandparents, child care – anything so that I could breathe. In my mind, I was a bad parent anyway; so what was the point of spending a lot of time with them? I truly reached rock bottom.

This all came to a head one month ago. I was sitting at yet another (long and boring) Grade 5 swimming squad trial, my mind blistering in the foggy heat, internally aggravated by the kid who kept calling my name to look at him. Although I would wave and smile back, my thoughts were along the lines of: “Does he even appreciate me?”, when a Whatsapp message popped up from one of the Class Groups. (You know, those groups with dozens of participants and hundreds of Whatsapp messages per day complaining about weather/school/head lice?)

The message was a promotion for a book by John Gottman titled “Raising emotionally intelligent children”. I ignored it. I pulled up a browser instead to Google another veggie-hiding chocolate cake recipe when a suggestion popped up on my screen for again, a book. This time, the recommendation was for “How to heal your life” by Louise Hay. From one click to another, I ended up on a free PDF version of the book and my eyes began to read.

“May this offering help you find the place within, where you know your self worth…”, were the words that began the book, and a light bulb moment sparked within me as I read them. How did I want my kids to appreciate me when I did not even know how to appreciate myself?

Originally published in 1984 (the year that I was born!), the book has been reprinted many times. “Surely Louise was onto something,” I thought. So I read the whole book, and went home determined to fix the problem. I purchased John Gottman’s book too and delved into some reinventions.

It’s never too late to reinvent yourself, I say. Even at 32.

My issues with comparative parenting stem from my own childhood. I have come to realise that we, as the new generation of young parents, are under an enormous amount of pressure. Without disrespecting past generations, today, we as parents deal with a lot more technological and advanced problems.

While I remember having a Nutella sandwich in my lunchbox everyday as a child – because I loved Nutella – now, there is healthy eating and exercise to consider (often a public topic).  And although I used to drink out of the garden hose, nowadays we worry about fluoride in water and carcinogens. I have to monitor my kid on any computer because of cyber bullying, which is now just one of many other advanced dangers in society. In addition to all that, my children’s mental health is a constant worry of mine – as well as wondering if they have had enough “daddy time”.

Worrying about so many aspects relating to children often burns out parents, and in my case, I was completely consumed with trying to tick every box. But that’s the thing: the more boxes I created that needed ticking, the more impossible the task. I was forgetting how to parent because I had stopped focusing on the children, and was instead paying attention to the tasks. I learned that anger is the façade of fear, and my angry persona was definitely a product of my fears of not being good enough.

After reading these books, I can’t say I am even near being ‘great’; but I am content. I say “YES” more than “NO” to the kids now, I discuss emotions with them and I try really hard not to deny what they are feeling. Even something as small as “I’m not feeling hungry” used to be answered by me with an “Oh yes you are, come on just give it a taste”. Now, I try for a simple, “Sure, no worries”.

When I started giving them the control of their emotions and began to show them my failures, life at home became simpler. Children’s brains reflect what they see, and when I stopped being so tyrannical, they stopped being challenging. When I spelt out what I wanted them to do and they didn’t do it, there wouldn’t be a crazed tantrum (by me). I would explain the consequence and, within a few days, they were very aware of their actions. It’s incredible; Mr Gottman was spot on!

I’m not going to lie, parenting is hard like walking through the Amazon Jungle, barefoot and on fire.

But, it’s not complicated. Raising kids is a roller-coaster ride, and on some days the dip is deeper than others. However, if you arm yourself with knowledge from others’ experiences then you won’t feel alone.

Just remember: even the best of adults – at some point in their childhood – picked their noses, refused to shower, and gave their folks trouble at bedtime. That helps, doesn’t it?

The post I forgot How To Be a Nice Parent appeared first on Sassy Mama.

We’ve all seen Jingle All The Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger right?  The hilariously funny film where he engages fisticuffs left, right and center to get the dream toy for his son? Well just as Arnie desperately wanted “Turbo Man”, it seems that kids around the world this year are equally all after the same toys. We round up the toys that are tipped to be a sell out this Christmas.  Let’s hope we’re not too late, mamas (or fisticuffs it is….).

The post This Years Hottest Kids Toys For Christmas appeared first on Sassy Mama.